13 Aug 2026 10:44:50
Since the fall of Malmo, it is no surprise that we can no longer agree on what "done" means.
Having spent a good portion of the last year hiding in the kitchen at Brasserie Angelica, I now understand that the error is treating "done" as binary. It is more useful to view it as internal temperature.
1) Frozen: No contact has been made with the club/player, it's merely a name trapped in stasis by a man who watched an 8 minute YouTube clip.
2) Fridge-cold: Club aware of the player, scout reports exist, but no meaningful heat has been/should be applied.
3) Tempering: Player sounded out and is receptive. The meat is no longer inert, but no pan has been authorised.
4) Blue: First contact with the club initiated; surface level.
5) Rare: Talks active. Price range understood. Presents a potential hazard if consumed by the public.
6) Medium Rare: Done properly. Player aligned and sensible fee agreed. Add-ons are pink, not bleeding. Selling club's dignity preserved.
7) Medium: Done, but less elegantly so. More exposed but broadly acceptable. No one embarrassed themself.
8) Medium Well: Done but overworked. Too many media briefings, stretched fee and the flavour is leaving. The medical is penciled at least.
9) Well Done: Done, but barely. Overpaid and overhandled, announced late. The player holding the scarf will have the eyes of a man basted in admin for weeks.
10) Cremated: Heat without control. Selling party offended, player camp confused. Club sources later insist they were never interested.
This should allow our ITKs to resume disagreement within safe food-handling parameters.
13 Aug 2026 11:31:38
Absolutely love it, Fornax.
13 Aug 2026 11:37:57
It's certainly an easier read than your Ikea analogies.
13 Aug 2026 11:41:19
Different level that Fornax and a message to all posters - keep it simple!
13 Aug 2026 11:47:06
Been reading on this site for years and years and had to create account just to reply to this haha good work man I love it.
13 Aug 2026 11:50:21
Top stuff, Fornax.
13 Aug 2026 11:51:49
That's a half baked analysis.
13 Aug 2026 12:17:13
I'm not too sure about this. Can you add a bit more meat to the bone, please, Fornax?
13 Aug 2026 12:20:05
I would stake my claim that this is an accurate summary of the various stages.
Well done, Fornax!
13 Aug 2026 12:28:59
Nice to see you steak-ing your claim to the transfer explanation font of all knowledge. :)
13 Aug 2026 12:36:02
So does that mean that the Barcola deal needs another 30 minutes in the oven before it is announced?
Love it, Fornax, haha.
13 Aug 2026 12:52:19
I'm led to believe by Chef Jean-Bjorn that the Barcola deal is currently resting, lightly covered with foil, but expected to land somewhere between medium-well and well-done.
Chef is reluctant to probe further at this stage for fear of losing what little juice is left.
13 Aug 2026 12:55:32
It's worrying that I now understand all of Fornax's posts.
There was a time I didn't know what the hell he was on about.
But now not only do I understand him, but I agree with him.
13 Aug 2026 13:44:05
Who's Malmo?
Where did he fall?
Can he play right-back?
13 Aug 2026 14:19:57
Brilliant. At this rate, our transfer window needs Gordon Ramsay, a thermometer and a fire extinguisher. "It's raw!" has never been more appropriate. ?
13 Aug 2026 14:24:32
Tar tar, I mean, ta ta Fornax.
13 Aug 2026 14:35:54
Excellent Fornax, bravo. I, myself, had aspirations of becoming an ITK, waiting to announce an en vogue hiatus of the site, all whilst lurking and watching the madness unfold. Indeed, one contact at the club promised me juicy nuggets of info, but strangely, only if I could rise to the challenge and reach some beef that was precariously perched upon the top shelf of his kitchen.
Alas, the steaks were too high, and so I had to reluctantly settle for mere IDK status.
{Ed025's Note - love it DS..
13 Aug 2026 14:30:24
I was completely out-flank-ed by that post and had to ask one of my Mignons to explain it to me. At least you're not Chuck-ing your weight around.
13 Aug 2026 16:33:33
Does that mean that itk stands for internal temperature knowledge?
14 Aug 2026 11:57:48
Thought Wonder Dog Sparky was back at first.
14 Aug 2026 13:12:44
Unfortunately not, Leon. He was a good boy, may he rest in peace.